i am not a wizard

the past few years have been ones of constant discovery of who i am and who i want to be.

i originally decided on the moniker of "wizard" for myself for use in cases where pseudoanonymity is desired. the goal was to signal to others that i am a wizard; that even if i don't actively posess wizardry abilities, i have the ability to learn them quickly; and that i want people to look up to me as someone who knows her stuff.

what is a wizard

"any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic"

- arthur c clarke

a wizard is someone who understand this sufficiently advanced technology. they can come from any background: male, female, human, elf, or robot.

wizards are intelligent. wizards are powerful. wizards are masters of technology.

so how do i match up?

--intelligence

i am not exceptionally intelligent. i am not very smart. i consider myself pretty average really. in highschool i was maybe a little more deluded, but that's par for the course really.

--power

i posess little of it. i barely have enough energy to escape bed some days. when i can, i can barely manage to get basic chores done. i have very little sway over the world. i cannot move oceans. i am just one normal girl.

--master of technology

technology is complicated and i don't understand it quickly (or at all). i am not capable of manipulating technology in a way a wizard would. i'm a mortal with finite knowledge.

i thought that maybe if i kept studying the machine, i'd understand it eventually. i never did. rust goes way over my head. the syntax of c is completely mystical. putting programs together is really not a suit i've considered my strongest in the past.

reflecting upon it all, i never tried very hard to do any of this anyway. the point is: i don't think i can make it as a wizard. i don't really want to. im exhausted.

on not being a wizard

the point of this article isn't to sulk. if anything, this realization has been freeing. i'm not someone who can read the matrix. i don't have to strive to be someone who can read the matrix. i can keep jamming and do what i want to do, and i'm going to be better for that.

...but it's still a really fun name to have in IRC channels so i might keep it here and there anyway (hehe). i'm a born lurker, and getting random pings from people discussing actual arcane voodoo is fun.

this is probably the first part of a series exploring concepts relating to my personal identity. more coming soon...